#14 is my all time favorite...
1. Debbie was so bad, her mom stopped loving her.
2. Why Billy has two daddies.
3. Johnny's adventure in the medicine cabinet.
4. Running with Scissors
5. Daddy drinks because you cry.
6. Billy was so bad, his Daddy left forever.
7. Why Mommy's Boyfriends Pay Her
8. Good KIds Don't Move the Crackpipe
9. Curious George: How He Contracted the Virus
10. The Little Pony Who Killed Kids and Drank Blood
11. Curious George and the Busy Intersection
12. Green Eggs and Ham: The Atkins Diet Revolution for Children
13. The Girl in the Tub Goes Blub (Dr Seuss)
14. When good kids tell (Michael Jackson)
15. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce
16. 101 Things To Do at the Bottom of the Pool
17. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
18. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
19. Eric and Dylan's magic trenchcoat.
20. Things Chris L would love to do with Katy Steele but she'll never go for.
Wednesday, January 16, 2008
More rejected kids titles
1. Debbie was so bad, her mom stopped loving her.
2. Why Billy has two daddies.
3. Johnny's adventure in the medicine cabinet.
4. Running with Scissors
5. Daddy drinks because you cry.
6. Billy was so bad, his Daddy left forever.
7. Why Mommy's Boyfriends Pay Her
8. Good KIds Don't Move the Crackpipe
9. Curious George: How He Contracted the Virus
10. The Little Pony Who Killed Kids and Drank Blood
11. Curious George and the Busy Intersection
12. Green Eggs and Ham: The Atkins Diet Revolution for Children
13. The Girl in the Tub Goes Blub (Dr Seuss)
14. When good kids tell (Michael Jackson)
15. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce
16. 101 Things To Do at the Bottom of the Pool
17. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
18. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
19. Eric and Dylan's magic trenchcoat.
20. Things Chris L would love to do with Katy Steele but she'll never go for.
2. Why Billy has two daddies.
3. Johnny's adventure in the medicine cabinet.
4. Running with Scissors
5. Daddy drinks because you cry.
6. Billy was so bad, his Daddy left forever.
7. Why Mommy's Boyfriends Pay Her
8. Good KIds Don't Move the Crackpipe
9. Curious George: How He Contracted the Virus
10. The Little Pony Who Killed Kids and Drank Blood
11. Curious George and the Busy Intersection
12. Green Eggs and Ham: The Atkins Diet Revolution for Children
13. The Girl in the Tub Goes Blub (Dr Seuss)
14. When good kids tell (Michael Jackson)
15. Harry Potter and the Chamber of Commerce
16. 101 Things To Do at the Bottom of the Pool
17. Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will
18. The Pop-Up Book of Human Anatomy
19. Eric and Dylan's magic trenchcoat.
20. Things Chris L would love to do with Katy Steele but she'll never go for.
The Top 16 Other Rejected Children's Books
16> Charlotte's Website
15> The Cat That Shat in the Hat: A Kid's Guide to Scatology
14> Chicken Soup for the Kitchen Floor
13> Jacking and Jilling: The Dummy's Guide to Masturbation
12> What The Hell Is Mommy's Problem, Anyway?
11> The Mouse, the Motorcycle, and the Organ Donor Card
10> You're Different?And All the Other Kids Hate You!
9> The Big Book of Things to Put in Your Ear
8> How to Write With Your Wee-Wee
7> What's That Bag For, Grandpa?
6> Tobacco Man vs. the FDA Gang
5> What Lucy Needs is Some Hot Monkey Love, Charlie Brown
4> Harry Potter and the Allegations of Plagiarism
3> Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Ms. LeTourneau's Class
2> Horton Hires A Ho
1> Where the Curly Red Fur Grows
Late edition:
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
15> The Cat That Shat in the Hat: A Kid's Guide to Scatology
14> Chicken Soup for the Kitchen Floor
13> Jacking and Jilling: The Dummy's Guide to Masturbation
12> What The Hell Is Mommy's Problem, Anyway?
11> The Mouse, the Motorcycle, and the Organ Donor Card
10> You're Different?And All the Other Kids Hate You!
9> The Big Book of Things to Put in Your Ear
8> How to Write With Your Wee-Wee
7> What's That Bag For, Grandpa?
6> Tobacco Man vs. the FDA Gang
5> What Lucy Needs is Some Hot Monkey Love, Charlie Brown
4> Harry Potter and the Allegations of Plagiarism
3> Everything I Ever Needed to Know I Learned in Ms. LeTourneau's Class
2> Horton Hires A Ho
1> Where the Curly Red Fur Grows
Late edition:
4. Who Lit The Fuse On Your Tampon?
8. My Kid Got Your Honor Roll Student Pregnant.
Ventriloquist
A ventriloquist cowboy walked into town and saw a rancher sitting on his porch with his dog:
Cowboy: 'Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?'
Rancher: 'This dog don't talk!'
Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?'
Dog: 'Doin alright'
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: 'Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)'
Dog: 'Yep.'
Cowboy: 'How's he treat you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Rancher: 'Horses don't talk!'
Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it goin?'
Horse: 'Cool.'
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at rancher)
Horse: 'Yep.'
Cowboy: 'How's he treat you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?'
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... 'Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!'
Cowboy: 'Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?'
Rancher: 'This dog don't talk!'
Cowboy: 'Hey dog, how's it going?'
Dog: 'Doin alright'
Rancher: (Extreme look of shock)
Cowboy: 'Is this your owner? (pointing at rancher)'
Dog: 'Yep.'
Cowboy: 'How's he treat you?'
Dog: 'Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Rancher: (Look of disbelief)
Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Rancher: 'Horses don't talk!'
Cowboy: 'Hey horse, how's it goin?'
Horse: 'Cool.'
Rancher: (an even wilder look of shock)
Cowboy: 'Is this your owner?' (pointing at rancher)
Horse: 'Yep.'
Cowboy: 'How's he treat you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements.'
Rancher: (total look of amazement)
Cowboy: 'Mind if I talk to your SHEEP?'
Rancher: (stuttering, and hardly able to talk)...... 'Th-Th-Them sheep ain't nothin but liars!!!'
Useful work phrases
1. How about never? Is never good for you?
2. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
3. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
4. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
5. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
6. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
10. Ahhh . . . I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. You sound reasonable. . . Time to up my medication.
14. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
15. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
16. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
17. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
2. Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
3. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
4. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
5. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
6. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
7. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?
8. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
9. I'm already visualising the duct tape over your mouth.
10. Ahhh . . . I see the fuck-up fairy has visited us again...
11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
12. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
13. You sound reasonable. . . Time to up my medication.
14. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
15. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
16. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
17. It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
Men & Women
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her out to a movie; she accepts; they have a pretty good time. A few nights later he asks her out to dinner, and again they enjoy themselves. They continue to see each other regularly, and after a while neither one of them is seeing anybody else. And then, one evening when they're driving home, a thought occurs to Elaine, and, without really thinking, she says it aloud: ''Do you realize that, as of tonight, we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?'' And then there is silence in the car. To Elaine, it seems like a very loud silence. She thinks to herself: Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he's been feeling confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation that he doesn't want, or isn't sure of.
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready
for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
Knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their......
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
"What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so......'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
"That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''
And Roger is thinking: Gosh. Six months.
And Elaine is thinking: But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had a little more space, so I'd have time to think about whether I really want us to keep going the way we are, moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Toward children? Toward a lifetime together? Am I ready
for that level of commitment? Do I really even know this person?
And Roger is thinking: . . . so that means it was . . . let's see . . .February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I am way overdue for an oil change here.
And Elaine is thinking: He's upset. I can see it on his face. Maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he has sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I was feeling some reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his own feelings. He's afraid of being rejected.
And Roger is thinking: And I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. What cold weather? It's 87 degrees out, and this thing is shifting like a goddamn garbage truck, and I paid those incompetent thieves $600.
And Elaine is thinking: He's angry. And I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. God, I feel so guilty, putting him through this, but I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure.
And Roger is thinking: They'll probably say it's only a 90- day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the scumballs.
And Elaine is thinking: maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a
Knight to come riding up on his white horse, when I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with, a person I truly do care about, a person who seems to truly care about me. A person who is in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy.
And Roger is thinking: Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a goddamn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it right up their......
''Roger,'' Elaine says aloud.
"What?'' says Roger, startled.
''Please don't torture yourself like this,'' she says, her eyes beginning to brim with tears. ''Maybe I should never have . . Oh God, I feel so......'' (She breaks down, sobbing.)
''What?'' says Roger.
''I'm such a fool,'' Elaine sobs. ''I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no horse.''
''There's no horse?'' says Roger.
''You think I'm a fool, don't you?'' Elaine says.
''No!'' says Roger, glad to finally know the correct answer.
''It's just that . . . It's that I . . . I need some time,'' Elaine says.
(There is a 15-second pause while Roger, thinking as fast as he can, tries to come up with a safe response. Finally he comes up with one that he thinks might work.)
''Yes,'' he says.
(Elaine, deeply moved, touches his hand.)
''Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?'' she says.
''What way?'' says Roger.
"That way about time,'' says Elaine.
''Oh,'' says Roger. ''Yes.''
(Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, causing him to become very nervous about what she might say next, especially if it involves a horse. At last she speaks.)
''Thank you, Roger,'' she says.
''Thank you,'' says Roger.
Then he takes her home, and she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets back to his place, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he never heard of. A tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car, but he is pretty sure there is no way he would ever understand what, and so he figures it's better if he doesn't think about it. (This is also Roger's policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine will call her closest friend, or perhaps two of them, and they will talk about this situation for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they will analyze everything she said and everything he said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances of meaning, considering every possible ramification. They will continue to discuss this subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching any definite conclusions, but never getting bored with it, either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, will pause just before serving, frown, and say: ''Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?''
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